RETREAT!!!

I almost forgot but the feeling's so good and the effect still lingers in me that I find it hard not to write at least something about it.

I honestly do not know how to start. I think it's because I'm still overwhelmed. There are some emotions that I almost forgot I can feel. One is my modified definition of freedom. For me, freedom is something like being human again, being not a data bank. I experienced that on the last day of our retreat. In those several minutes being with my friends at our "house", is an opportunity to let lose the primitive me again. What I mean is that even for a short time, I finally got the chance to scream out loud, at the top of my lungs, till the brink of my breath and voice box. It's really fun being with your friends, not thinking about school stuff, and just screaming out songs till we shake the house. Nothing could replace that moment in my heart.

Camaraderie was very strong in the retreat, at least in our house, and I'm very very thankful of that.

*Oh God, memories flowed again. I can't think anymore. I'm overwhelmed again. So I'll just continue this tomorrow or if still I can't write, I'll just share my experience bit by bit. If you just know how I'm feeling right now...

Hobbyist Part 3

I think there's really that teeny tiny soccer dude in me. It just needs to find a way to get out and grow. I had this chance when I entered Pisay. With some sort of support my parents got me a ball. Yey! But now it's just lying in the corner, waiting for someone to kick it again. Like baseball, I really, really like it. The strategy and the skill showcase are just so cool to see in a professional foot. I dreamed to be like that. But without much success. I think the problem is a proper coach. I planned to join the Soccer club (Labuyo) but I saw they never had formal training sessions, don't even had a proper coach. They just played games Tuesdays and Thursdays, but no training. No skill build. No improvement as a team. The good players just either have a coach of their own or have been in a soccer varsity in elementary. Others (like me) that aspire to be taught the proper techniques and skills, never got a chance.

Because of the technicality in terms of skills of the sport, a coach is gravely needed, and that is boldly what I lacked. I think that's why I eventually dropped soccer. Not that I don't play it anymore but just like baseball, I passively stopped. I still play it when friends invite because they got the nick of playing some.

The next two sports that I aspired to play seriously was badminton and flag football. I played real badminton last year one because that was our PE in one quarter and two because my closest friends in my last year's section were badminton dudes. I tried to seriously play the sport, arranging some badminton sessions with my friends or joining theirs. But that system was pretty costly. Once I had to travel to Makati just to play. In order to continually improve on it, I needed a court very near our place, a regular play time, and most importantly, someone to play with. My dad play it, but just for leisure, and seldom I had the chance to play with him in a true court. My kuya don't really play it and won't waste time with me with that sport because he's a basketball varsity. My mother's not really sporty. The only one left is my younger brother, perhaps too young for such a sport (he was in grade two). So I have no one to play to. I forgot, I have my best friend (the one I played baseball with). Badminton was his real sport. But he's such an excelling guy, not even including that he's a superb leader, that he's so busy, very rarely I got the chance to play with him anymore. I really have no one to play to. That's my dilemma. So sad that last year I think I was on my way to really play it, join trainings by a national player, and then play in tournaments. But that sole chance disappeared knowing the price of the training-tournament package. My parents said it was too much.

Flag football on the other hand only remained a dream. I was introduced to that sport when my two best friends and I decided to play some baseball on the UP sunken garden. Because a soccer match passively deprived us of some playing area, we were instead invited to play flag football by some collegiate group. We played and I deeply enjoyed and marvelled the sport and the strategies involved. And it was a very good excercise too because it involved fast paced action. But I never played it again. I have no ball. I would want to buy it but I am saving for something else. I think I can easily have my friends play it and have a mini game for bonding. And that's the sole reason why I can't play it. So it's pretty in reach.

The last and final sport that I have considered to be professional on is table tennis. Now I really am serious about playing it. I think the prime motivation is because it was our latest PE. So I got to play it regularly, and play with some varsity table tennis friends that are really good. Now I am taking a step to be in contact with my friends in UP that are varsity of table tennis and hope to play with them regularly. And I'm hoping that maybe the sports people in UP recognize me and then let me join the varsity. But that's far fetched. I'm not currently studying there. So I'm hoping that at least they let me play there, among the best, regularly. Racket sports, as you may have noticed, are the sports I am most versatile with. I owe that to my father because he's the one so versatile at racket sports. He can play table tennis as superbly as he can play tennis.

I started playing this in first year because my dormer classmates often play it and I was hooked. And one summer morning, my father and I suddenly decided that we make our own table tennis table. And in an instant, we bought plywood and net and paddle and balls. So I'm kind of encouraged in this sport and it's pretty in my reach. So right now, it's the sport that I most consider to be my specialty.

Those were some of my sports disappointments, hopes, and triumphs. Those were some hobbies that I would want to pursue. All of those are dreams, dreams that maybe still has the potential to happen. Just waiting an action from me. Happiness is one aspect in life you can't really loose. It is something in us from the start until forever. It is something that needs you, only you, to notice and be grateful about because happiness is in everything. With a little guide from Him, up above, we can find happiness in our hearts.

Hobbyist Part 2

Being raised with a dash of virtues, everything is evaluated both moral-wise and health-wise. Adding strict implementation, war games is an absolute sure-fire no-no. I only play those kinds of games either secretly, in computer shops, or plead all day and argue that this war game indeed teaches something about history. Other times I get away by doing those need-to-be-grateful work for my parents. It ranges from all the way from getting really high grades to cleaning the CR. That's also one pretty strong aspect that my parents inject in us: that everything we want should be earned. My gaming is bound over these earn-learn-reward system. Oh I remember this solid instance showing that they really don't want to get me into violence: it's Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I bought this fake CD. By some miracle, I think it was vacation that time, that I got to install and play it. It's core violence and true pugnacious nature nevertheless floated despite my best efforts to convince them that it's just a city game with a really big map. So in no less than two weeks, they had me uninstall it. Sadly, I've really finished pretty lot of the missions at that time. But thanks to them for that action that I sure wouldn't attack anyone with a katana on the streets when I grow up.

So this whole gaming craze I'm going through is virtually, unfeasible. Especially that FPS games are my thing. So what else can I do to be happy? :(

Sports, you might say. But I already tried that but with no real professional competitiveness at any one sport because, as much as I don't want to make it sound bragging, but I can say I really really know how to play a lot of sports and excel in them if I want to. For a short history, my first sport was baseball. I got to say that I, then, had a real throwing arm. Thanks to my dad for being such a versatile sports player that I have acquired this same versatility. We bought 2 gloves then and 1 ball. All original since money has quite some value then than now. We threw balls weekly at the UP sunken garden or the UP sports oval, although not at a strict schedule. We play whenever it strikes my head or his head to throw balls. But it had never been better, always the same throwing and catching. Although I enjoy it at first and for so long, I finally was bored. Since baseball's not really that popular here in the Philippines, only in excecutive areas and true stadiums can you find a mini league. So I was never tested for a competition, not even for a real complete game. Just the same throwing and catching. I can't say I abandoned it for sure, but that when I finally saw no real future that I passively stopped. But I still really like it. It's a good bonding activity, with my older brother and my dad, and my best friend. I play it still, even now, only when it hits me that I want to play and maybe my best friend's not doing anything. That's hobby hindrance number 1, the lack of true sports test.

I never really liked basketball. I only played it when I want a little bit of fun with my friends. But there was a time that I was a real shooter. I became really good in shooting but not ball handling. Maybe that's one reason I disliked it because I can't control the ball inbound. This too was supposed to be a nice bonding activity. Now this one we really took a schedule on. Also weekly, Sundays to be exact. Because my father was a member of a tennis club in UP Village. I forgot to tell you but that's my dad's real sport: tennis. I can say he's a pro on that. Anyway, so there we were, at the UP Village sort of clubhouse or recreational area. There's a basketball court, a tennis court, a pillota/badminton court, and a not so fun playground in a fair park. I remember those old days and oh, how it was relaxing and pleasing breathing in early morning air and feeling the gentle warmth of the sun at it's low path. My kuya and I, played basketball. Sometimes even invited to have small games, 3 on 3 and above. But there's something that I noticed in basketball. Since it was the most popular sport here in the Philippines, almost anyone can play it, and a lot more play it superbly, even the smallest people under the poverty line. So I thought, I can't excel on this. Maybe I was wrong because of how basketball or UAAP superstars were cheered and screemed upon. Another thing, which I can say it's my problem in my personality, is that, basketball is the most vulnerable sport for players and fans to be annoyed with each other, sometimes even leading to violent riots. I said my problem because maybe I'm the one that's sensitive to things. I noticed that it's in basketball that I am most vulnerable to have an enemy. Maybe I'm at a degree, "pikon". But maybe it's also with the players with no manners. I don't know. But the bottomline is, basketball's not for me.

For a little more info, those sweet Sundays were cut for the place where we play in, which was supposed to be open for public and everyone, was taken in advantage by the barangay (UP Village). They imposed rates for which to use any of the courts. So my dad and the club (his old friends) moved to a new court in a new barangay, not that far from us. But nothing went stable and they had to move again. This changes caused my dad to acquire an injury in his leg. Because the first court they moved in was a clay one and then they suddenly moved to a hardcourt one. Because of the more frictioned movement that my father had planted his foot badly while on the chase and this caused the hamstrings of one leg pop apart. He said he heard it. Loud and Clear. POP. Those were the causes of the end of the sweet Sundays. Hobby hindrance number 2; own fault.

I played soccer, only here in pisay when there's a widely available field. It started in First Year. I was attracted to the field and the new prospect of engaging a sport without using the hands: soccer. The time I finally was stable here in Pisay was the time I fell inlove with the field.

*oh my god, I never thought I would have so much to say about my dreams. I have many more stories on the sports that I indulged in and I would certainly tell it all and continue this in the next entry! Stay tuned... :D

Hobbyist Part 1

My life's kind of humdrum right now. I think I already lost my definition of pleasure. That's quite not right, I guess. Well I mean happiness.

That's why I'm constantly searching for something that I can be proud about. Some accomplishments that would let me feel the taste of excellence but at the same time remind me of some of the joys of life. But we're not well-off. We're just a regular family, just being granted enough for living and and some spare. So I can just choose a hobby out there and in a flash, already achieving. No. Almost everything's calculated. And, our ideology in these pressing times is that, food is always top priority. It's ok tightening up on everything, cutting electrical and water costs, but not food. See how my parents really take care of me and my brothers.

But we don't loose the meaning of happiness. It's just me. So in the past year, I've been dreaming, dreaming about that glorious moment when I finally finish something that I aspired and been through for a long time. Or at least be proud of work I built from sweat, blood and time. So what are really my choices? As I said, we're not well-off. So even in these little ambitions of accomplishing something goes inside harnesses. Choices are very limited. But dreams are free right?

Hobbying, must it be collecting, comes with a price. Hobbies are truly expensive. But even if, I can't stop dreaming. And one of those dreams is computer gaming. I've got to admit, it's truly an expensive hobby to pursue. Being a gamer means being with the current selections of the latest games. Original games alone cost gold. What more of the computer. Modern games need a lot of computing power. They need the most juice of current day technology. They need ultra fast processors and video cards. And those cards and processors cost a diamond. Now that's exaggerating. But really, even the mainstream gamer needs at least 20,000 pesos. That amount I'm absolutely sure to my death, won't be granted to me by my parents even if we became rich just this instant. Gaming not only has those risk factors for really sacrificing money for hardcore fun. But there is one risk factor that I won't be able to escape: the moral and health factor.

*this is one of those long entries that will need to be cut for easier digestion. Will be continued in the next entry :)

Repent

SEE?! I could not maintain a blog. Now I'm writing again because of the urge of requirement fulfilment. AAARGGHHHH... so angry at myself.

I don't know why but I really do want to blog but I just don't have enough motivation to post. See this problem with me? I'm lazy. Most of the time I do things not so useful. I open the computer, open the browser, then search for useless things. It stays like that for up to 3 plus hours. Maybe I'm just not tasting the juices of life.

But anyway, many happened since my last post, last September 13. Now it's October 10. Our periodic tests just ended. Oh by the way, our school just burned, last week. Tuesday. The supposedly start of the periodic exams of the second quarter. It went like this, I woke up in the morning with a falling confidence because I haven't really studied that much for chem. Chem was to be the very first test. When my parents woke me up, I answered, but refused to go up the bed. Just as I was about to fall asleep again, my mother suddenly shouted "Yung Philippine Science nasunog!". Energy sort of went through me like a thunder. I quickly got up and went to the kitchen where the radio is always on in the morning. "Sigurado ka po?!" said, half excited, half in disbelief as I examined that may it was a false alarm or just my mom overhearing another school's fire. But way deep in me, a very very little piece of clairvoyance, tells me that this is absolutely true. But nevertheless, I prepared and went to school. And there it was. Posted on the narrow iron gate, probably written in shock and awe, NO CLASSES today. Because of the earlier news, I wasn't surprised.

So I came home. Ruminating over this, the tiny clairvoyant me rang its bells again and told me of a feeling so sure that the whole week would be dropped off. I was right. The next day, the week suspension was confirmed. I haven't rejoiced. I know I will be once again in the hell of indolence. I especially hate doing nothing. While that's so true, I, most of all, hate knowing I'm not going to be able to do something. That's pretty hell for me. An idle state of being degrades my brain by shutting my scientific and logical self and instead turning on my autistic side. But that's still wrong! My brain's scientific and logical prowess turns to serve my autistic side. By this, I tend to notice and analyze the most odd of things to be noticed. An example is a faded blotch in our vinyl tiles. My head would ache, arguing with myself the causes of that fading, what happened to the molecules, etc etc. And hell the suspensions were! My routine would be wake up, watch tv, sit in front of computer, eat, sleep; then the whole process starts again.

I somehow survived and then this week came. What a weird week. Last Sunday I awarded myself with a ultra long bath time that lasted for well over an hour, because of a fulfilled major requirement submission. Would you believe it? I immediately contracted another strain from the 54 strains of the colds virus and up to now, this moment, I'm suffering from it. I woke up last Monday with an awful headache. God so awful. My head was feeling so heavy. My neck also aches because of my lymph nodes swelling because of immunity warring the virus. My back felt really weird.

Because of room shortage because the main building was restricted, the periodic exams were taken by batches. And we, third years were scheduled in the afternoon. So I had the whole morning to let my conditions worsen. Very lucky. Maybe you already inferred. I took the exams burning. The curse of the school was brought to me. But look at that, I got a 40/45 score in the chem test!

That Monday, I came home already pleading to die. I gravely tired. Especially below the hips. I don't know why that happens but prior to fever, I feel extremely exhausted. Like I swam a kilometer using just my legs. Like sprinting 10 kilometers nonstop. Like playing flag football. Like playing badminton and lunging 1000 times. Like I wanna chop my legs off.

4 30 in the afternoon was the start of real hell. My head ached terribly. My arms and legs were amazingly cold. But from my core, to my neck, to my head, I was incinerating. I think the climax was around 6:00. I went into delirium. I went into those best times to die. It lasted for an hour. Then it subsided slightly for a while, I think because of medicine. But when I slept, hell visited again. I went into total delirium. everything looks like not real but real. I visualized many things. Very random. Oh and my scientific self worsened the situation. It made my headache really bad when, out of this delirium, I started analyzing everything what randomly I thought of.

So finally the medicine really took in effect and I felt it when I woke up. There was improvement. I still felt the same fatigue. I still felt the same pains, only scaled down drastically. But darn my sinus was and is still, very very heavy. You should have felt it, when you're close to vomiting because of phlegm, when the mucous you spit is stained with blood, when you're afraid of blowing hard outward on your nose, feeling that it will turn inside out. EEeeeeEEeeWWWwwWWwwwwWWWww

I declined going to school last Tuesday. And so I missed 2 exams: math and bio. Common scare is that, post quarters are a hell lot harder than all the long tests and periodic tests combined. But it's otherwise. I even thought of missing future tests for these no sweat exams! I'll tell you about that later.

Wednesday came. My fever aftershock fell on my edge: Physics. Really devastating. A supposed to be chicken feet turned out to be a whole farm of chickens. Because of this aftershock, my Physics prowess disappeared. I became confused. I wasn't able to concentrate. And Jesus-Christ-forsake-me I failed the exam. But surprisingly, my failed score wasn't that bad. The prowess deserted but common sense and logic prevailed. As a rule to myself: never guess without the heads unless time says s. All my guesses are intelligent guesses. Same for all tests. I look for clues. I estimate. I analyze other numbers, trying to find parallelism. If not getting the answer one-shot-dead-shot, then get artillery. Get it by other means using information. So my failing grade was still above 50%. Yesterday. Was when I sulked over these.

A grade of brain measure better, I answered our practice questions in physics yesterday. Oh God was it so chicken feet. By a miracle I regained my prowess and I felt my sharpness in understanding again. That's why I found out that the physics test was darn easy. the practice questions were almost the same as the ones in the test. OOOHHHHH!

Too late. But I really wasn't able to concentrate during the physics test. Lesson learned. Avoid rewards of long baths. So NOW, I'm still sick. Oh I remember, it's this morning that I took the math post quarter. Easy as whistling. It's 20 points in total and I am not sure of only 1 item. This was when I thought of missing future math periodic tests. But I'm not really gonna do that. I choose to do the right thing: not missing anything anymore.

So this is what happened. Next week was declared the early sembreak. Guess how long? 1 week. That's right. 1. Might as well just continue classes. But might as well be thankful, right? That's what I'm thinking. In that week I'm making sure that I won't miss the things that I like: my growing flavor and want for call of duty 4. In that week, officials and teachers will finally have the chance to regain themselves and unite together to lessen the head ache each will carry. In that week, is a time of hope and mending not grief.

With this short sembreak, I hope to change. No, I will change. I will no longer slouch over pressure. I'll minimize lazing in front of the computer. I'll arrange my time wisely. I'll prevent the bad past to happen again. I will change.

Vent

Woahoaho. In order to avoid myself from breaking down, I've decided to make this blog an escape vent of all my raging emotions. By observation, my counter (:D) tells me that there's not much people visiting my blog that I conclude that it's pretty safe (at least for me) to post some personal experiences and personal stuff. Although I would be coding names and telling in a, somehow, riddle, or, oh God, just a little odd. And now, I somehow resolved an emotional turmoil, and I would want to vent it out, to share it to you...

It's just last night when I was told that a rumor about me and my past was secretly widespread over the batch. I don't know why but I flared up. My ears got red hot. I've felt it. But maybe it's because of the feeling of betrayal; because something about me that is not true is talked about behind my back. Maybe because some people would be angry at me. The effect to me was devastating. I almost didn't do my homeworks because I felt drained after about an hour of thinking about the issue. Until I woke up this morning, I can feel the heaviness of my heart, constantly hoping the world would end in a minute. But no, life proceeds and I still prepared and went to school. While preparing, I'm constantly trying to find reasons and excuses to be angry, but at my utmost common sense, I found nothing. I examined my conscience and I know I'm clean of propagating that rumor. And so, I only realized that there's nothing to be angry about. As I said, I'm clear. God forbid what they think but I know I'm clear. So at the end of the day, fortunately, I found a way to laugh it all away.

So that's it. As the title of this post, I'm releasing other thoughts that I have in mind over the past weeks.

First, I'm really, really worried and afraid that I wont be able to maintain my grade from the first quarter. I mean I'm slouching of. Oh God, don't you know what I feel and what I'm going through right now. I'll just shortly narrate to you why this is happening. It all started last year, 2nd year. I'm not saying I forsake that year but I loved it and am thankful of it. 2nd year, as they say, is the hardest year here in Philippine Science High School. Not in terms of what we studied, but the requirement load. It's proven because I experienced it myself. We had as much as 14 subjects (I think it's more) for, if my memory serves me right, 13.5 units. That year is really very hard especially on those times that requirements pile up before the periodic tests. Now, that year really released the potential of an real student in me. That year pushed me to the brink of my sane mind by constantly pumping me with pressure from requirements. That pressure was dramatically released this year. At the dawn of third year, I still had the potential. With a staggering difference in terms of requirements, the potential invested in me a very good grade for the first quarter. I slouched that quarter, what more this quarter? I'm afraid that I will be confident about those good grades that a high tendency of lazying of is very present. And I think that's already happening. Oh no!!! Oh God please help me!

I hope you understood me. That's just me, spraying words. I really don't know how to express my feelings. Sorry about that. Anyway, Expect more of these posts next time.

So Help Me God

2nd quarter is nearing its end, and as always, hell is prominent on the week before perio. But surprisingly, this quarter, hell is releasing its fury two weeks before perio, which is this week! Do you want to know what are our requirements on the upcoming days? Prepare a roll of tissue in case you're nose will bleed and beware of brain hemorrhage. So we have:

-to finish reading our required novel in English
-to memorize an elocution piece for a speech requirement, also in English
-trigonometry long test
-Filipino short story
-Filipino written report on a short story
-lab report in physics
-English game board project
-a ton of other long tests

and the list goes on...

There's absolutely nothing I can do to avoid these so instead of sitting in the corner and silently protesting, I'll just stay optimistic about these so at least I can be productive.

So I'll just cut this short because I have a ton to do. I have other things to share and vent out but I really don't have the time. There's a good probability that I won't be writing this week. So until next time!